There are five stages of a relationship. These stages are:
– The Merge
– Doubt and Denial
– Disillusionment
– Decision
– Wholehearted Love
Every relationship progresses through these five stages, however, not only once. Think of these stages as a series of seasons that we move through in an everlasting cycle, not as steppingstones to a final outcome.
Unlike in movies, in reality, love is a journey without a final destination. Otherwise stated, the stages of a relationship are not linear but cyclical. People will eventually find themselves looping back to Stage 1 to start the process all over again, even though they have reached the fifth and final stage of a relationship, which is Wholehearted Love.
Below you will find everything you need to know about the five stages of a relationship and what skills couples need, at each stage.
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Stage #1 – The Merge
The Merge is the first stage of a relationship. it is also called the honeymoon phase. It is the primary, sweeping romance that usually swallows a couple when they first get together, including insatiable, passionate sex and an all-consuming joy in the presence of our partner. In this stage of a relationship, people often feel as if they have found their “perfect match.” Boundaries often melt away as they feel they always want to be together. Partners seem to merge together.
Research tells us this first stage is marked by biochemical changes in our brain such as a cocktail of hormones that trigger and sustain a state of passion, such as oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins. So, emotions, at this stage, often drown out the rational part of our brain. Brain glow, caused by the abovementioned cocktail of hormones can usually lead us to become “addicted” to our partners and to disregard red flags, incompatibilities, or other issues.
What can we do in this relationship stage?
Try fully enjoying this stage. This is the stuff that makes dating so intriguing and delightful. However, you have to be aware of your increased emotions. At some point, you have to step back and observe your relationship and your emotions, and question whether this person really is the best match for you. Get honest advice from friends who can make certain you’re not missing any actually alarming red flags while under this biochemical love tonic.
Do not hurry with making any big decisions. The Merge can fog your vision and make you want to dive into situations that might not actually be healthy or wise for you at the end of the day. Generally, don’t make serious decisions at that stage, because the “so in love” condition is a temporary feeling of infatuation that will someday fade.
Stage # 2 – Doubt and Denial
Doubt and Denial are components of the second stage of a relationship. In this stage, we finally start to truly notice the differences between us and our partners. We start to find that the same qualities that once appeared so perfect have begun to irritate us as we wake up from the trance of passion with a thump. After this “awakening” we begin to notice that partners’ reliability now feels rigid, their adventurous nature feels like an unnecessary risk, generosity seems irresponsible, etc.
Unfortunately, once we run up against each other’s differences friction is natural. We marvel at the change in our partner as the power struggles increase. Feelings of love blend with irritation and alienation. Maybe we are not “ideal” for each other.
Our biological responses to stress escalate as our disappointment increases. We may want to fight or withdraw depending on our circumstances and personality. For instance, you may feel the necessity to fight to protect your values, which may be translated into the longing to have everything your own way. Although, it makes little sense to expect another person to be just like we are.
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What can we do in this relationship stage?
The skills of conflict management are crucial at this point. Understand how to deescalate conflicts and face relationship issues head-on while treating each other with respect and care. Keep in mind that arguments and power struggles are normal parts of a relationship; they are not necessarily alert that the relationship isn’t working or love is ending. You will require to learn to specify the difference between unhealthy control issues and healthy disagreement; the former can be a sign that you should break up, while the latter can be worked through. So, this is the stage where you’re beginning to recognize your differences.
Stage #3 – Disillusionment
Disillusionment is the third stage of a relationship. This stage may feel like the end of the road for some couples. The power struggles in the relationship have come totally to the surface at this point, the problems that the couple has always shoved under the rug are now very much obvious. Some individuals become perpetually sharp, ready to start an argument at the tiniest provocation. Other couples might peacefully move apart in the course of time, placing less energy into preserving the relationship and putting more outside of it.
Our original experience of intense love is often a remote memory at this juncture. However, some couples, without questioning their commitment, may see this as a strong message that things need to change.
What can we do in this relationship stage?
Clarify and create space. Stop avoiding issues; the repetitive arguments may feel tiring, though pushing them under the rug just leaves lumps to trip over.
At this stage, in the relationship, there may be a lot of negative energy. Practice showing affection even when upset to offset this.
In the Disillusionment stage, the brain is zeroing in on all the relationship’s flaws, unlike during the Merge, when the brain notices only the positive and avoids anything that questions that view. Things that go wrong get all our attention, however, the things that are going right are ignored; You always can try to offset that process with an intentional gratitude practice.
Stage #4 – Decision
The Decision is the fourth stage of a relationship because you reach a breaking point. Having emotional breakdowns, leaving the house for a couple of hours in order to get away from each other after a fight, self-protective behaviors, indifference, and remoteness are all commonplace.
When you begin to seriously consider leaving and even make plans for exiting the relationship, it means you have reached that point.
We make decisions at that stage such as to leave, to stay and do nothing regardless of how miserable we are, or to stay and really work on healing this relationship.
What can we do in this relationship stage?
Try to decide to do some work before making a choice about the relationship. Because years of resentment or estrangement can fade away when couples learn the skills to communicate effectively, even though they feel like they want out of the relationship.
Understanding your own part in your relationship’s decline and committing to real change is considered to be crucial. By doing this, we can learn the lessons that will enable us to become the best people we can be as we give our relationship the chance to deepen and grow.
If couples decide to part ways, they can often do so in a constructive way, understanding their own part in what happened and wishing one another well.
Stage #5 – Wholehearted Love
Wholehearted Love is the relationship’s fifth stage. At this stage, the relationship is most rewarding and at its healthiest. Couples experience self-discovery, and the acceptance of flaws in both themselves and their partners, acknowledging there is no such thing as an “ideal match.”
In this fifth stage of a relationship, hard work is still involved, though the difference is that couples know how to listen well and start an uncomfortable conversation without attacking one another.
At this stage, couples will begin to relax, laugh, and deeply enjoy each other. Each person may rediscover themselves in ways that let them fall for each other all over again. They even can experience some of the passion, sex, and joys of the stage of Merge.
What can we do in this relationship stage?
This stage is fueled by the qualities of two wholehearted people such as humor, generosity, flexibility, self-care, resilience, good boundaries, and a life with purpose and meaning. Try to make self-care and self-growth your continual goals as couples are able to stay in this stage as long as they are able to constantly sustain their own wholeness as individuals.
There certainly will be new challenges waiting somewhere in the distance, so try to be well-equipped with the necessary skills to deal with them when they come. But before that, enjoy the journey.
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