We often ask why do people fall in love? And wonder, why are some forms of love long-lasting while others are so brief? Several different theories of love have been proposed by psychologists and researchers to explain how it forms and how it lasts.
Love is an emotion that humans basically experience, though, understanding how and why it occurs is not necessarily easy. In fact, many suggested for a long time, that love was something too mysterious, primal, and spiritual for science to ever completely understand.
In spite of that, many have attempted to learn more about this feel-good emotion. Below you will find five of the main theories proposed to define love and other emotional attachments.
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Liking vs. Loving
The explanation for the difference between liking and loving was proposed by psychologist Zick Rubin, in 1970. Occasionally, we experience a significant amount of admiration and appreciation for others. According to Rubin, if we enjoy spending time with a person and want to be around them, it doesn’t necessarily qualify as love, it qualifies as “liking.”
Love is more intense much deeper and includes a strong desire for physical contact and intimacy. People who are like one another, enjoy each other’s company, while those who are “in love” care about the other person’s needs as much as they do their own.
Rubin considered that romantic love is made up of 3 elements:
1) A close bond and dependent needs
2) A predisposition to help
3) Feelings of exclusiveness and absorption
Rubin devised a questionnaire to assess a person’s attitudes toward others based on these elements. He discovered that scales ranging from liking to loving provided support for his concept of love.
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The Color Wheel Model of Love
Psychologist John Lee, in his 1973 book “The Colors of Love”, compared styles of love to the color wheel. Lee proposed that there are three primary types of love just as there are three primary colors. These types of love are:
1) Eros – The term “Eros” originates from the Greek word meaning “passionate” or “erotic.” Lee suggested that this type of love involves both physical and emotional passion. Eros represents love for an ideal person.
2) Ludus – This form of love is conceived as playful and fun but not necessarily serious. Ludus comes from the Greek word that means “game.” Those who exhibit this form of love are not ready for commitment and are wary of too much intimacy. So, it defines love as a game.
3) Storge – Storge derives from the Greek term meaning “natural affection.” This form of love includes familial love between parents and children, siblings, and extended family members. This love can also grow out of friendship, where people who share commitments and interests slowly develop affection for one another. Consequently, this form of love is represented as friendship.
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6 Styles of Loving According to Lee
According to Lee, just as the primary colors can be blended to create other colors, the three primary styles of love could also be united to create secondary love styles. Lee expanded the list of love styles in 1977.
The three new secondary love styles were as follows:
1) Mania – Representing obsessive love, it is a combination of Eros and Ludus
2) Pragma – Representing realistic and practical love, it is a combination of Ludus and Storge
3) Agape – Representing selfless love, it is a combination of Eros and Storge
Triangular Theory of Love
In 1986, the triangular theory of love was proposed by Psychologist Robert Sternberg. Love has three components under this theory. Such as 1) Intimacy; 2) Passion; 3) Commitment.
Various combinations of these three elements result in different types of love. For instance, combining intimacy and commitment results in compassionate love while combining passion and intimacy leads to romantic love.
According to Sternberg’s triangular theory, relationships that are built on two or more components are more lasting than those based on a single component. Sternberg uses the term consummate love to explain combining intimacy, passion, and commitment. While this type of love is the most robust and lasting, Sternberg suggests that this type of love is also rare.
Attachment Theory of Love
In 1987, two researchers from the University of Denver, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver theorized that romantic love is a biosocial process similar to how children develop attachments with their parents. Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver’s theory is modeled on psychologist John Bowlby’s attachment theory.
According to the researchers’ attachment theory of love, a person’s attachment style is partly formed by the relationship they had with their parents in childhood. This same basic style then continues into adulthood, where it evolves as a part of their romantic relationships.
The three types of adult attachment are:
1) Anxious/ambivalent – An individual with this type often worries that their partner doesn’t love them. Occasionally they want to be with their partner so bad that it disturbs the other person.
2) Avoidant – Someone with this type of attachment is uncomfortable getting close to others. They also commonly experience difficulty with developing trust.
3) Secure – As its name suggests, the secure attachment type involves being secure in the relationship. A person who is secure has very few fears of someone else getting too close or worries of abandonment.
Based on Hazan and Shaver’s research, secure attachment is the most typical type. This is followed by the avoidant attachment type, then anxious/ambivalent attachment.
One’s experiences in love and attachment affect their beliefs, which affect their relationship outcomes as proposed by Hazan and Shaver. This is a cyclical process that can be alright for people with a safer attachment style but could also form issues for someone who is avoidant or anxious/ambivalent in their relationships.
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Compassionate vs. Passionate Love
By psychologist Elaine Hatfield, in 1988 it was proposed that there are two basic types of love: compassionate and passionate.
Compassionate love is described by mutual respect, affection, attachment, and trust. This love typically develops out of feelings of shared respect for one another and mutual understanding.
Passionate love is described by intense emotions, anxiety, sexual attraction, and affection. When these intense emotions are reciprocated, people feel fulfilled and elated, while unreciprocated love leads to feelings of despair and despondency.
Passionate love, as Hatfield suggests, arises when cultural expectations foster falling in love when the person meets one’s preconceived ideas of perfect love, and when one experiences elevated physiological arousal in the presence of the other person.
According to Hatfield passionate love is transitory, typically lasting between six and thirty months. Ideally, passionate love leads to compassionate love, which is far more durable.
While most people want relationships that unite the security and stability of compassionate love with intense passionate love, Hatfield considers that this is infrequent.
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